#MenToo | Men and Men's Mental Health

“You guys know what’s a bigger joke than Politics in India? It’s Men’s Mental Health.” I said and people laughed their asses out. Nobody bothered to wait a second and give a thought about it. That goes for me as well… I used to be one of these people. I never cared about mental illness among men until I ended up suffering with it. Now, you might be expecting me to say that I’ve suffered from Depression and Anxiety like almost everyone on social media but no. That never happened with me.

I suffered from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) It is a mental/psychological condition people suffer after a traumatic event. I had gone through a mentally, emotionally and (to some extent) physically abusive relationship. I never felt depressed or even upset after I came out of it. In fact, I was happier and felt free. But I was left socially detached from everyone and have been dealing with trust issues.

Some of the other symptoms include nervous breakdowns, insomnia, and gory nightmares. There were nights I used to wake up to nightmares, gripped in fear. Insomnia was so bad that there were days I didn’t sleep straight for 48 hours. And when I slept, I had a lot of memory loss after I woke up. Psychologically, I used to have flashback episodes randomly which would lead to nervous breakdowns.

Apart from that, like every person suffering from mental illness, there were times when I needed my friends to talk to. I had certain people who called me their best friend/brother in public and all-over social media. They used to share posts saying “Talk to me about your mental health. I’d listen to your story, rather than attend your funeral.” Unfortunately, their concern about mental health was never genuine. Social Media attention was what LURKed in those empathetic posts.

I tried talking to some of my so-called friends and most of them preferred to cut ties. Some of them said “it happens with all the men around the world… so it’s not a big deal if it happened with you.” And some of them just said “Men are not supposed to talk about this bullshit… So, you need to man-up!” That was when I realized two things.

First, how fake social media is. I felt so nauseate that I ended up deleting all my profiles. I didn’t want to be among such imposters. Since then, I’ve been enjoying a private life with my family and little bunch of friends who care. Second thing I realized was how neglected men’s mental health is. So, I started reading and finding things about Men’s Mental Health and here’s what I found out.

According to Pinerest, 6 million Men are diagnosed with mental illness every year. Suicide due to mental illness is currently the seventh leading cause of death in men. A report from Priory Group shows, 77% of men all over the world never get a chance to talk about or be treated for mental illness ever in their lives. Out of that, 40% of them have dealt with thoughts of self-harm and suicide at least once in their lives.

Talking about India, according to Statista, in 2019, the mortality rate in men was 201.4 per 1000. In 2020, the number of deaths by suicides among men was 108.53 thousand which was the highest in Indian History. Most criminals in India were said to be people suffering from mental illness who never got treated. I’m not justifying anybody’s crime. But if someone would have treated their mental illness, they wouldn’t have even thought about doing what they did. Two lives wouldn’t have gone wasted.

Honestly, India is a difficult country to grow up in… Not just for women, but also for men. If we take a step back and think about it… 99% of Indian men suffer with Mental illness without even knowing that they’re suffering with mental illness. And we cannot blame someone for it… We can’t blame a specific individual, caste or gender. The blame goes to everyone. The blame goes to men themselves, women, the society, and everything else.

I had mentioned in one of my previous posts “Why do Rapes Happen”, that men are expected to be tough right after their birth. From a tender age, we’re taught that crying is for the weak, and men are not supposed to be weak or vulnerable. We’re repeatedly taught that women’s lives are secondary and they’re the weaker gender. We’re told that pink is not a manly color. We’re made to watch movies wherein people are randomly picking fights with one another.

From a young age, men are made to shut off an important part of themselves and box-up all their emotions. This affects adversely once we grow up. We either don’t know or find it difficult to empathize or show any kind of emotions. Men are constantly being called out for being thick, insensitive or even monstrous. The ones who call us out are in one way or another responsible for making us that way, but they never realize it. This takes a toll on the mental health, which never gets addressed in most cases.

Apart from that, parenting plays a huge part. I remember people joking about their parents thrashing them with belts or flip-flops when they were young. This not only affects the child mentally, but also increases the child’s probability of growing up to become an abusive parent. From parenting to food habits, whatever parents do, kids carry into the next generation.

Parenting is the toughest thing. Every child behaves and responds differently. It’s an on-job-training and all they have is the example of how their parents treated them while they were growing up. Everything a parent does, affects the child mentally and it could be good or bad. If parents teach their kids to be compassionate and empathetic, that will affect them mentally in a good way. The kids would carry that with them into the next generation.

However, if parents physically assault or verbally insult the child at every minor thing, that affects the child. We still see people scared to talk to parents about things like relationship and sexuality. It is because of the beating they took as a child. At the same time, if parents do not object and give-in to all the demands, that affects the child too. They become prone to obsession, which is a mental illness. So, we don’t have a specific way of parenting. Parents need to be wise enough to wait and think before reacting.

Moving on… We have movies showing certain community in a negative way. Almost every other 90’s Bollywood movie depicts homosexuality in an inappropriate way. This has helped develop a mental state where we love to hate, and we love to fight among one another. We have grown-ups showing disgust towards a certain community or even gender for no reason. I was taught in school that Homosexuality is a bad thing. This affects both side of the people mentally.

Romantic relationships have been playing a part in men’s mental illness and no one wants to talk about it. Most of us men have met people who think it’s romantic or funny not to accept their mistakes and blame it all on the boyfriend. We’ve all dealt with people who think it’s cute to fight over random things. They never saw the self-doubt it has been creating in most men all along.

There are several YouTube videos mentioning that arguments and fights are a part of a healthy and long-lasting relationship. They never mentioned anything about talking or discussing. Argument, fights, and misbehavior only creates voids in a relationship, rather than building it. It just gives a new reason to walk out on the relationship. Speaking of walking out on a relationship…

There’s a scene from Bollywood movie “Dear Zindagi” wherein a therapist (Shah Rukh Khan), explains his female patient (Alia Bhatt) that it’s okay to move out of a relationship if it doesn’t turn out to be what you expected. He amazingly explains her through a metaphorical situation wherein if she goes out to buy a chair, she checks out a lot of them before settling for the best one. It’s one of the most iconic scenes of the movie.

However, the megastar forgot to mention one thing here… The rule is not gender specific. It not just applies to women, but men too. From a personal experience, if the male partner chooses to walk out on a relationship after realizing that the other person is not the right fit, there is no chair logic here… he gets tagged as a “Fuckboi”. Even his friend’s slut-shame him without listening to his side of the story.

Recently, there was a report about a man suing New York for $50 Million because they wrongfully tagged him as a rapist and imprisoned him for 16-Years. Looking at further statistics, according to The High Court, more than 20,000 people have been wrongfully convicted since 1989 and 83% out of that are Men.

Furthermore, there was a famous incident in India about a woman framing a Delivery Boy for misbehaving and physically assaulting her. The woman was booked but released. She can still be seen working as a model and leading a lavish life on Instagram. Where’s the delivery boy? What about him? Okay, no one cared much.

Another instance where in a girl assaulted an Uber Driver on the street for no reason. She also broke his vehicle. Thankfully, she was arrested. Did someone check with the Uber Driver? Did someone check about his mental condition? Actually, did someone check about the mental condition of both the parties involved? Because no woman in the right sense of mind would behave that way. Nope! They just created memes about the whole thing.

I’ll share a personal experience here… I’m from Kolkata’s Open Mic Community. We have a small bunch of people who do open mics all over the city. We have poets, stand-up comics, beatboxers, and singers as performers. Recently, a girl made a claim that one of the performers have misbehaved with her at an event. She said he was behaving with her in a creepy and flirtatious way. She shared a CCTV Footage wherein the guy was trying to grab her hand while she was getting up.

The message was circulated in no time and the performer was removed from all the groups. I’m not saying that the lady had framed him. Also, I’m not supporting the guy. I just want to ask if anyone tried to talk or listen to the guy. Maybe he could be sharing a different version. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Maybe there was a miscommunication. There are infinite number of possibilities. But people (including men) decided to draw conclusions listening to just one side of the story. It’s that easy to blame a male and play-up with his mental health.

The biggest example we have today is the Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial. When Amber Heard accused Johnny Depp of Abuse, it did not take a second for people to believe her. Johnny Depp was banned from his own iconic movie based on allegations. He had to wait six years and sit through a court trial and is yet to be proven innocent.

I understand men are not wronged all the time. And we can choose not to care about what people say. But being labelled as a “Fuckboi” or brand ambassador of “Toxic Masculinity” affects men in the same way it affects women if someone labels them as a “Randi” or exhibiting “Toxic Feminity” for no reason. Speaking of Toxic Masculinity-Feminity…

People don’t realize the fact that there’s no such thing as Toxic Masculinity or Toxic Feminity. Not all Males or Females exhibit signs of being narcissistic, sexist, abusive or problematic. It’s just toxic behavior which can be exhibited by anyone regardless of the gender. Some people just choose to blame the entire gender for it which is also a toxic behavior. That is also a result of bad mental health and needs to be treated.

Keeping all this aside... There are a lot of simple things that affects the mental health. I have another personal experience about being called out for wearing outfits that did not make me look my age. I was told that no girl would like to date/marry me if I don't dress or behave like a mature person. To some extent, I believed that crap and tried to change the way I behaved and dressed but that wasn't me. It made me unhappy, self-doubtful, self-loathing and eventually suicidal. It contributed to PTSD I ended up suffering.

Mental health has been difficult for people to talk about. In case of men, its almost impossible to talk, and highly challenging to ask for help. It’s stigmatizing for men to prioritize their mental health because of how the society have been treating them as the “givers”. Reducing the whole stigma will start with educating oneself and others. Here are some pointers that might help:

• Start with the kids. Do not reward or punish them for everything. Teach them to be empathetic and compassionate before teaching them to be tough.

• Educate kids that mental fitness is as important as physical fitness. Help them understand the importance. Get them to practice mental health exercises from a young age. A personal advice: Keep them away from gadgets and cosmetics till they’re sixteen.

• Identify the behavior exhibited by an individual. Let them know they might need help. However, there can be a misconception. For example, I’ve seen people say that certain male they know have anger issues, while they did not.
  

There’s a term called “Triggering Words” for every individual. Anger is an emotion that occurs when someone uses those triggering words and that is normal. Sometimes its people who need to understand and refrain from talking about certain things that might trigger anger in an individual. But at the same time, if the individual exhibits violent behavior, that is when then they need help.

• Stop asking people to talk to you about their mental health. Clearly, most of you are not interested. Even if you’re interested, you still don’t know what might trigger an individual. So, if you know someone dealing with mental illness, ask them to get professional help or provide them with contact of a professional help.

• Lastly, start with yourself. Act responsibly. Work on your perception about people. You might have met some worse men in your life but understand the fact that just like women, not all men are the same. Your belief about stereotyping men might affect another man mentally. Those social media stories about how bad all the men in the world are, might not just be a post for someone.

Now to the men out there dealing with Mental Illness:

• Firstly, you’re doing great! Keep going and Stay Strong.

• You don’t need to be seen as strong all the time. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be vulnerable and it’s completely okay to reject the traditional gender specific roles of being a male.

• Try to focus on being yourself instead of being a Man. Do what you love. Be with people that make you happy. A lot of people might dislike you for it, but eventually you’ll realize that they don’t matter in your life.

• Most of us might exhibit violent behavior. Most of you might be feeling upset, sad or suicidal all the time. That is not normal. If you’re one of them, please get help.

• At any point in life, if you have dealt with any form of physical, mental, sexual, or emotional abuse, please understand that you are more likely to pass that further or onto your own offspring. Work on yourself and try to make sure that nobody gets hurt because of you. This must stop somewhere.

• Do not avoid or ignore your mental health. Most of them try their own coping method using sex, drugs, and alcohol abuse. Do not do that and get the right help.

• Be comfortable in your own skin. It’s okay to look the way you look. It’s okay to have a belly or stay clean shaven. It’s okay to have long hairs and look feminine. It’s okay to be gay or bisexual. It’s okay to be YOU.

• Eat well. Earn well. Get a good sleep. Workout. Wear whatever you like. Look however you like. Do not change. The ones who truly love you, will stay.

• Lastly, learn to ask for help. Do not talk to random strangers on the social media. If you think you need help, then go to a professional. Here is one such Article by Vogue which shows 17 Verified Mental Health Helplines. You can contact them.

The stigma around mental health, especially in men cannot be eradicated in a day or only through a post. Also, you cannot do that alone. But whenever you reach out to someone or even a professional for help, it’s a step closer to success. You’re contributing to making it easier for others to do the same. Understanding the whole stigma revolving around men’s mental health is the key to learning how to support them and vital to suicide prevention efforts.