Even Men Have Consent
Consent is defined as “an agreement taken before an action”. Violation of Consent is “Anything that is done against someone’s will.” It is mostly related to a sexual behaviour but it’s something that applies everywhere… Sexual or non-sexual. Apart from that, the word itself is synonymous with women. They’ve never related it with men while they should have. If you disagree with me, your opinion is respected. But I’ll just share some experiences below, please decide for yourself.
Just like
every day, we were having a group call with a client over our project. We had
our cameras on and were talking over a professional topic when suddenly, one of
our colleague’s partner (girlfriend/wife) appeared on the camera, handed him a
cup of coffee/tea, and planted a kiss on his cheek.
None of us
reacted to it and continued with our discussion, but the guy was off throughout
the meeting. We were connected from our respective homes, but it was quite
evident that he lost his focus, felt embarrassed, and awkward the whole time.
I’ll share
another incident here… One of my friends had recently broken up with his
boyfriend (My English is good; it was a gay couple). So, when asked about the
reason for breakup I was told “He would grope my crotch or spank me in public.
I asked him not to do it because it made me uncomfortable. He never listened.
He said he liked to annoy me, but it was quite disturbing.”
Both the
incidents I mentioned above were examples of Violation of Sexual Consent. The
receivers in both the situations were men. Apart from these, just like women, men
face several other instances of Violation of Sexual Consent. Some of these
include someone making lewd comments about their private parts, body shaming in
a sexual way, molestation, and even rape.
Coming back to
the same friend who broke up with his boyfriend, he also mentioned “there are
certain things that people don’t like to hear even as a joke. He said certain things.
They weren’t sexual in nature. But I requested him not to say because it made
me uncomfortable. He never listened. He would repeat it on purpose and when I
got angry, he said I had anger issues and needed to see a shrink.”
This is
something that comes under Non-Sexual Violation of Consent. The receiver is not
consenting to something being said or done, even as a joke but gets ignored. As
mentioned, it might not be sexual in nature. It could be something very random
that might severely offend the person or remind them of a traumatic event.
I’ll add a last instance from a personal experience of mine… I was about to perform for a group recently. So, they wanted to make a poster with my picture on it. Nothing special, this is something which is done for all performers by all the art groups.
As per the
standard procedure and basic etiquette within the community, if you’re working
a show with someone then you ask them to send a picture before making a poster.
I woke up one morning and found myself tagged to a poster with my picture on
it. I don’t remember sending them a picture.
Since it was
Men’s Mental Health Month (November), I had shared some posts talking about atraumatic event. A screenshot was taken from one of those pictures and pasted
on the poster. It might be a minor thing, and most of them might not even bring
it up. However, on a personal level, I found it offensive when they did this.
For me, that
was Violation of Consent in a Non-Sexual way. Weather people like it or not, I
don’t like having an event organizer I’m working with steal a picture of mine
and make a poster out of it. I ended up cancelling my gig with them but what
remained in my mind was the conversation I had with them.
When I
confronted as to why was my picture taken, all I got to hear was “We didn’t
think it was a big deal.” I asked them would they do that to a woman and
without a second thought their response was, “Absolutely not!” That’s when it
struck me… Why doesn’t it matter when it comes to men? Why is it okay and not
necessary to ask when it comes to men?
Switch on
Instagram and you’ll find reels titled “Things I like to do to annoy him.”
where in a girl does random stupid stuff to her partner while recording it.
People find it cute, funny, and even romantic. They ignore the fact that
whatever is happening in the video, it’s against the consent of one of the two people.
The person might be getting offended or outraged or even traumatized by what is
being done to him in front of the camera. Since he is a man, it doesn’t matter.
We always
talk about knocking before entering a woman’s room, but never about men. We have
friends who randomly squeeze an overweight friend’s manboobs and think it won’t
make them uncomfortable. Dear sir, if you’re someone who does that then please
know that it’s hurtful physically as well as mentally and to an extent,
emotionally.
When it
comes to violation of consent, there are crime documentaries and movies about
men being the perpetrators. Men are the ones causing all the trouble, mixing
stuff in drinks and luring women. They are usually portrayed as the ones giving
inappropriate comments or looks. This has created a psychology that perpetrator
is exclusively only men and consent is only synonymous with women.
I’m not
denying the fact that nearly four out of five perpetrators are men. I’m just
speaking for that one person who is Male, and could be underage, school kid or
even a toddler. He is someone who has been ignored the whole time. His side of
the story has been laughed upon. His quest for a normal existence is an
everyday battle.
Five in Six
men go through at least three experiences in a day wherein things happen or are
being said against their consent. In most cases, it is done by a friend, a
family member or even a lover. They might not mean it but since the topic of
male consent has been ignored all these years, most people are not even aware
of its existence. Moreover, if you sit and talk to men, 80% of them won’t admit
Violation of Consent in anyway. Here are some reasons for that.
NOT WANTING TO LOOK WEAK:
This is the most obvious reason. There’s a belief that men need to be masculine and should be able to always control the situation. We cannot be weak. We need to be controlling enough to make sure that there’s no violation on our part by anyone.SHAMING (MOSTLY IN SEVERE CASES LIKE RAPE/ABUSE):
I remember opening-up about my abusive relationship and the only thing that people said was, “You used to get beaten up by your girlfriend!?!? Shame on you!” Just like women get blamed for rape with things like dressing up scantily or going out at night, men are either laughed upon, ridiculed, or told “Why didn’t you fight the person?” These responses ignore the shock and trauma that can overwhelm people while they’re in the situation.NOT WANTING TO BE DISBELIEVED:
The reluctance of men to talk comes down to thinking that they’re not going to be believed. There’s a higher possibility of being mocked though. So, most men like to box-up and keep things to themselves. Keeping a lot of things to ourselves has become a way of retaining control over own lives.
Just like
the words abusive and offender have been made synonymous with men, the word
consent is synonymous only with women. Even if you search Male Consent on the
Internet, you won’t find much information on it. You’ll find most of the
content explaining How men should ask for consent. There’s almost nothing in
regards to men giving consent or what to do when a man doesn’t give consent.
Instances of
men dealing with non-consensual sexual or non-sexual situation is more like a
myth or a joke. If you request a person to refrain from doing or saying
something that you find uncomfortable, there is a higher probability of them
ignoring you because they might find it funny, cute or romantic.
One of it’s
best examples is a video on the Internet featuring Indian Actress Karishma Tanna who is laughing and mocking actor Karan Kundra when he tells her that Men get raped too. Most people think that men who get raped actually enjoy it.
Men’s respect, mental health and even consent does not matter. Scientifically
speaking, the trauma that men go through after being raped or molested is same
as women.
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